"Your're not listening to me!" We hear this statement more than any other when counselling couples. Not surprising as it is the number-one marriage problem reported by couples. Simply spoken means a breakdown in communication.
Why are we created with two ears and one mouth, does this ratio tell us something. We often think that "good communication skills" as the ability to express ourselves more clearly, getting our message across. However, ninety-eight percent of good communication is listening.
Listening is not passive. It is not sitting back, quietly hearing what our partner has to say, waiting for our turn to talk. Listening is active. It is getting involved with yuor partner's message to fully understand it. The point of active listening is to let your partner know that you are in tune with him or her.
Consider this typical interaction:
Wife: I don't know how to tell Susie. She wanted to ride with us to the ball this weekend and I said okay, but then I remembered I had already invited Tom and Sarah
Husband: Umm
Wife: So what should we do?
Hushand: About what?
Wife: About Susie. there is not enough room for her to ride with us.
Husband: Well, then she can't ride with us...Just call her and tell her.
Wife: I know. I know. But......you don't understand.
Husband: I'm listening.
Is he really? We don't think so. He may be hearing his wife's words, but he is not understanding her feelings. She is not wanting him to solve her problem as much as wanting him to know how lousy she feels. Simply identifying the real message is what listening is all about.
What is one thing you would like your partner to understand about your need to be listened to and understood?
When do you most often want to be listened to by your partner? How do you convey this to him or her?
Do you feel gender differences help or complicate listening?
