Romancing your spouse

Are our expectations about sex based on what society tells us. The world talks and advocate promiscuity. Adultery seems okay..and how about unfaithfulness in marriage. These are things that destroy the marriage. Sex within marriage is “undefiled”.

The physical relationship is obviously very important in developing a healthy marriage: who doesn’t want to have a good sex life? You certainly didn’t get married because you only wanted a roommate or a good friend. You want to share life with your partner, including a fulfilling sexual relationship with your spouse. However, due to tensions and other demands in life, couples find it difficult to communicate with each other and that often affects the physical relationship.

The following are some tips to ignite your romance:

Creating the Atmosphere

Romantic setting with the dim lights and soft music playing in the background may well create the right mood. While the setting may be important, how you love another is crucial. The fact is that all other parts of your marriage will be carried over to your sexual relationship. If you just had an argument, it affects how the two of you relate physically. If you have a lot of stress in your lives, it affects your romantic atmosphere. If you take each other for granted, it affects you as a couple.
How you interact with each other and honor each other can greatly influence your sexual relationship. That phrase "sex starts in the kitchen" is not really talking about where to have sex, but it has a lot to say about how we should treat each other. How you treat her in the kitchen will influence how she can respond to you in the bedroom.

To create the mood, couples should focus on a few important things: respect one another, honor one another, give generously to one another, and share plenty of casual, non-sexual touches.Understanding the differences Men and women are physically different. We are wired differently and have different sexual needs as well. For many couples, men focus on the act, women focus on the closeness. Men tend to be fast in arousal.

Therefore, we need to understand these differences and adjust accordingly. If the man can be patient with his wife, they both will have a deeper, more meaningful sexual relationship.

Sharing your life

Most of us marry because we want to share life with the person we love. Sharing is foundational to all that we do as couples. Sharing is also very important in your sexual relationship. Be committed to your spouse, focusing on meeting your partner’s needs as your own.

It isn’t less romantic to talk about what you like or need. Communicating openly is really more romantic, because it shows you care about each other. Open sharing leads you to become more fulfilled and to have a happier sexual experience.

Many couples think that talking about sex and desires is “dirty talk” or “taboo”. They have failed to recognize that sexual relationship is God’s gift to them. .

The value of counselling

'I'm fine; there's nothing wrong with me.' This is the sort of thing you might hear from someone facing difficulties in the workplace coupled with difficulties at home. They are finding the stress too much to handle, yet they feel they need to be seen to be coping. It's a depressing scenario and one which more and more people are facing. They can't cope as well as they used to be able to and they really don't know what to do about it. On the other hand they don't want to appear weak and vulnerable or jeopardise their careers by appearing unable to cope.

Counselling can be a wonderful experience. It is often difficult to come to terms with our weaknesses and problems. Are you able to pour out and be open to the counsellor. It is essential that you trust your counsellor. Meet with him at least one meeting before committing to a series of sessions. You need to feel that your consellor is listening to you.

Counselling is essentially about having a formal setting to share your problems with someone who has been trained to be both sympathetic and analytical in their approach to dealing with personal problems. People who have been properly trained can be very good at spotting the underlying causes behind different problems, seeing things which we cannot - as we are embedded in the problem and so restricted in our view. You yourself will probably know if counselling would be beneficial for you. You can always try one or two meetings with a counsellor, and then decide if you need more. You may be depressed or you may be experiencing loneliness, and counselling could be beneficial. Combined with other methods, such as prayer for inner healing for example, counselling can be very effective.

The counsellor-counsellee relationship is a type of friendship. In strict terms, this perhaps should not be the case, as the relationship is a professional one. In practise, however, some sort of emotional bond is often formed between the two parties. Trust obviously needs to be present. Also, the gender of the counsellor and the counsellee needs to be the same. The reason for this is to avoid any possible sexual attraction distracting or endangering the process.

The hurtful actions and words of others may be at the root of some of your problems. Perhaps part of your suffering has been caused by the sin that others have done against you. Whatever the reason for your suffering, you are not alone. So many people suffer in different ways around the world. Feeling anger towards those who wrong us is normal, but do turn to God for help to forgive people.

Professional counselling can, and often does, make a tremendous difference in people's lives. Relationships can be restored, depression and anxiety overcome, self-esteem increased, spiritual growth experienced and so forth-lasting improvements in people's lives.

Self-Awareness

“I want by understanding myself, to understand others: I want to be all that I am capable of becoming” (Katherine Mansfield)

To become more effective in life, we need to constantly strive to increase our self-awareness – to discover what make us tick – to monitor what goes on inside our head: our thoughts, feelings, sensing, intuition, attitudes, beliefs and how these manifest themselves in our behavior. In other words, we live to learn to ‘read ourselves like a book’ – the cover and the contents. The continuous and evolving process of getting to know who ‘we are’ defines self-awareness. A lack of self-knowledge means there are areas in our lives that we are unknown or invisible to us. By increasing our understanding, we enhance our ability to be more understanding and empathic on others.

The Johari Window (see below) helps us to understand ourselves. It is derived from the work of Jo Luft and Harry Ingram (1955). The Johari Window: A Graphic Model for Interpersonal Relations, University of California.

Window 1 – Known to all
This part can be viewed as our open window. It is the parts of us that we freely display and other people can see, for example our attitudes and behavior. This open area of our window can be enlarged or extended through self-disclosure.

Window 2 – Blind
This is often refers to as the “blind spots” of our window. It is the parts of us that we cannot see but others can: for example our body language and other aspects of our behavior that we are unaware of. The “blind spots” of our window similarly can be enlarged by asking for feedback.

Window 3 – Hidden
This part can be viewed as the private part of our window. It is the parts of us that we know but choose not to share with others, for example our secrets or things that we feel ashamed about. This hidden area of our window can be enlarged by disclosing our secrets. This may involve a certain amount of risks.

Window 4 – Unknown to all
This part can be viewed as our closed window. It is the parts of us which we and others are unaware of. This part may include our motivations, unconscious needs, anxieties or undiscovered potential. The unknown part of our window can be enlarged through the counseling process by gradually opening up memories and the gaining of insight.

The exercise below – Expanding self-awareness (from your internal frame of reference) is taken from “Leaning to counsel” by Jan Sutton & William Stewart.

You are advised not to rush through this exercise, for a greater understanding of your own frame of reference….As this exercise is very individual, no answers will be provided.

Name - How important is it to you?
Gender - Are you satisfied with being who you are?
Body - Are you satisfied with your physical appearance?
Abilities -What are you particularly good at?
Mind - Do you feel OK about your intellectual ability?
Age - Are you comfortable with the age you are now?
Birth - How you feel about where you were born?
Culture(s) - Where were you brought up? If you have moved between different cultures, what influences have you experienced?
People - Who influenced you most when growing up?
Mother - What is your opinion of your mother?
Father -What is your opinion of your father? If you have no parents, how has that influenced you?
Siblings - What is your opinion of your brothers/sisters? If you have no brothers or sisters, what influence has that on you?
Education - What influence did your education have? What would you like to have achieved but did not?
Employment - List the various jobs you have had, the people you remember associated with those jobs.
Spouse - If you are married, how has your spouse influenced you?
Children - How have your children influenced you? If you wanted children and were unable to have them, how has that influenced you?
Unmarried - If you are unmarried or have no partner what influence does that have on you?
Preferences - How do your sexual preferences influence you?
Values - What values do you have, and what influence do they exert? Have you taken them over from other people without thinking about them?
Beliefs - What are your fundamental beliefs? How did you acquire them?
Religion - If you are religious, what influence does that exert? If you have no religion, what influence does that exert?
Experiences - What life experiences are significant for you and why?
Health - How have any illnesses or accidents influence you and why?
Memories - What memories do you treasure, and what memories do you try to forget?
Relationships - What relationship in the past are you glad you had? And what relationship do you wish you had never had?
Circumstances - What life circumstances, past or present, do you welcome and which do you regret?
Authority - Who represents authority for you, in the past and now? What influence do these authority figures exert on you?
Strengths - What are your major strengths?
Weaknesses - What are your major weaknesses?
Virtues - What do you consider to be virtues? How do they influence your behavior
Vices - Do you have any vices, and how do they influence your relationship?

Marriage - Total Commitment

Marriage is a total commitment and a total sharing with the other partner in the marriage relationship until death. Marriage can last a lifetime if couples know how to meet each other’s needs and avoiding hurting each other.

What does it mean for a man to leave his parents?

Does it mean that the man can therefore have the licence to disobey his parents? Does it mean that he can forsake love and care for his parents? Absolutely not. It does however mean that he has to “leave” his parents and the two become one.
The newly wed couple may decide to stay with his parents or choose to reside away from his parents. The point here is that the man should no longer cling to his parents in thoughts, feelings or decisions. Parents on the other hand must realize that their children have set up a home of their own and that they have new roles and responsibilities.

What does it mean to cleave to each other?

The word “cleaves” means to “pursue after” or to “adhere to”. A term meaning “to stick together no matter what. It must be the desire of the couple to make their marriage work. To “cleave” involves faithfulness to the spouse at all costs. It means that the relationship is permanent and they have to face life issues together beyond the conditions of the vows. Marriage is an irrevocable contract when a man and woman enter into a relationship for which they accept full responsibility and commit themselves to each other despite problems and pressures.

What does it mean to be in “one flesh”?

It refers to sexual or physical union within the marriage. However, it is more than the marriage act. It speaks of “oneness”, total intimacy and deep unity in spite of differences.
This covenant or contract is not to be taken likely. The couple must work on it to ensure that it works. The following may be of help:

1. Commit to overcome marital conflicts,
2. Commit to be romantic, give surprises from time to time,
3. Identify habits or love busters that cause unhappiness, e.g. angry outbursts, judgmental, annoying behavior, selfish demands or dishonesty.
4. Learn to overcome those habits,
5. Identify and meet emotional & sexual needs.

Fear

Many of us are victims of fear. These were usually implanted in us when we were children. Knowingly or unknowingly, parents instill fear into their children. These usually happened when parents wanted their children to submit to them. When parents attempt to rule their child by fear then fear rules the child, and it remains there when the child becomes an adult.

Ironically, fear can be healthy as well as unhealthy. For example, fear of failing our examination will cause us to put in more effort in our study. A degree of fear may cause a surgeon to be more careful during an operation. The fear of the Lord, says the scripture is the beginning of wisdom.

However, fear when pushed past a limit can inhibit us and even paralyse us. It causes us to “bury our talents” and gripped our lives to that extent that we dare not venture out. Unhealthy fear has to be brought under control and used for constructive purposes.

Very often, we heard people said that “what I have feared has come upon me; what I have dreaded has happened to me.” It seems that what we fear to happen will happen. Is it a question of cause and effect? Is it a question of self-fulfilling prophecy.

For example, when our children are not back home at the usual time and effort to contact them failed. Mobile phone not responding. Friends you contacted have not met up with her. You became fearful and negative thoughts kept coming to your mind. Something must have happen to them. You feared the worst, met an accident? Met with bad company, drugs?... and the list of negative thoughts.

So What exactly is fear?

Fear is the emotion that people feel when they sense that they are in danger. It is a protective emotion, which signals danger and helps a person to prepare for and cope with it. Fear includes physical, mental, and behavioral reactions.
The physical reaction to fear is called the "fight or flight" response. "Fight or flight" is an involuntary response, a response that a person cannot control consciously but that is controlled by the body's nervous system*. It is the body's way of preparing to run from danger or to fight. The heart beats faster, and the blood pressure and breathing rate increase. Oxygen-rich blood rushes to the large muscles of the body, which are tensing to prepare to fight. The pupils of the eyes grow larger to help the eyes scan for danger. Epinephrine*, also called adrenaline (a-DREN-al-in), is released to prepare the body for quick action. Sweat is produced to cool the body.
Mentally, fear triggers thoughts about the danger or threat that the person senses. Thoughts may mentally size up the danger, anticipate what might happen, or imagine ways to avoid harm. Behaviorally, the person may startle or jump and then run, freeze, or get ready to fight.