Conflict is a natural component of every marriage. No matter how deeply a man and woman love each other, they will encounter conflict. Perhaps the reason may be we are “wired” differently. Some 40% of the newlyweds admitted that they were critical of their mates after marriage. And as much as 30% reported an increase in arguments after their honeymoon.
Whether you argue or not does not determine the health of your marriage. More importantly than how often you argue is how you argue. We must identify those signs in conflict that spell disasters. These signs can gallop into your relationship and danger is imminent. In a continuum from least to most dangerous, these four “elements” are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
Do these characteristics describe your quarrels? Be on the lookout. Criticism, of course, often comes into play in marital spars, but when it leads to contempt – when sarcasm and name-calling enter the picture – you are on a slippery slope.
The risk is that partners may think of a destructive argument as one that resorts to belittling and degrading. When this happens, partners begin to focus on every past sins and failures of their spouse and aggressively whittle away at each other’s dignity. This kind of arguing drives a wedge between couples. The next time they argue, the wedge will be driven farther and relationship made wider.
To avoid the deadly trap of contempt, focus on the issues not the partner’s character. Problems may be about how money is spent, about in-laws, on personal time and so on, argue on these issues and stay away from personality assassination. Stay on the issues!
Conflict is therefore a natural part of building intimacy, so don’t avoid differences. Don’t bury conflicts. Go ahead, “fight” but keep your conflicts restricted to issues that are important and that really matter.
One of the major tasks of marriage is learning what can and should be changed (habits, lifestyle) and what should be overlooked.
Marriage can be pictured as walking through life hand in hand trying to keep in step with each other. It is not easy to learn to walk in step. Several things happen when we are trying to walk in step. When one takes a step in a different direction, we are drawn up short and have to decide what has happened. Which way to go? Who decides? Staying in step could be trying and tiring but it is a commitment based on the belief that we make adjustments along the way as we walk together.
What have been your models for resolving conflicts? How do you handle difficult issues? What roles you play and how you can learn from the strengths of your partner?
For comments/feedback, write to me at rejoice468@yahoo.com
Whether you argue or not does not determine the health of your marriage. More importantly than how often you argue is how you argue. We must identify those signs in conflict that spell disasters. These signs can gallop into your relationship and danger is imminent. In a continuum from least to most dangerous, these four “elements” are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
Do these characteristics describe your quarrels? Be on the lookout. Criticism, of course, often comes into play in marital spars, but when it leads to contempt – when sarcasm and name-calling enter the picture – you are on a slippery slope.
The risk is that partners may think of a destructive argument as one that resorts to belittling and degrading. When this happens, partners begin to focus on every past sins and failures of their spouse and aggressively whittle away at each other’s dignity. This kind of arguing drives a wedge between couples. The next time they argue, the wedge will be driven farther and relationship made wider.
To avoid the deadly trap of contempt, focus on the issues not the partner’s character. Problems may be about how money is spent, about in-laws, on personal time and so on, argue on these issues and stay away from personality assassination. Stay on the issues!
Conflict is therefore a natural part of building intimacy, so don’t avoid differences. Don’t bury conflicts. Go ahead, “fight” but keep your conflicts restricted to issues that are important and that really matter.
One of the major tasks of marriage is learning what can and should be changed (habits, lifestyle) and what should be overlooked.
Marriage can be pictured as walking through life hand in hand trying to keep in step with each other. It is not easy to learn to walk in step. Several things happen when we are trying to walk in step. When one takes a step in a different direction, we are drawn up short and have to decide what has happened. Which way to go? Who decides? Staying in step could be trying and tiring but it is a commitment based on the belief that we make adjustments along the way as we walk together.
What have been your models for resolving conflicts? How do you handle difficult issues? What roles you play and how you can learn from the strengths of your partner?
For comments/feedback, write to me at rejoice468@yahoo.com
